When my grandson, Colt, was in second grade, he asked me if I would please give him an Indian name. Because he has bronze colored, curly hair, I called him S’ Wegi A An, which means Red Feathers. But that was back in the old days when he was … well … short. Now he’s sixteen years old and six-four. If I were to give him a new Indian name now, I believe I would call him Long Shadow.
And why am I writing about this now? Because, once summer finally came to the Pacific Northwest this year, I became a connoisseur of shadows. My walking path is the flat driveway in front of our house. I’m Scandinavian and very fair skinned, so I am not a sun seeker. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever in my life had a respectable tan.
Oh no, wait, that’s not true. At some point our family drove from Arizona to South Dakota in April to celebrate our grandparents’ 50th anniversary. In one of the resulting photos, our sun-starved South Dakota cousins look like ghosts compared those of us who hailed from Arizona. Still, these were accidental tans from incidental tanning as opposed to the skin color obtained from lying outside on a beach towel. I tried that a couple of times at Pima Hall when I was going to college, but it didn’t take—the process took way too long and was incredibly boring.
But back to my walking. After months of cool and rainy weather, it suddenly turned hot—for us anyway. Once the sun came out, that’s when I went looking for shade. As I did so, I couldn’t help but remember Huck, the blue-tick hound we had when we were teaching on the reservation. In the summertime he made good use of every smidgeon of shade there was to be found on our hill west of Three Points.
I generally head outside late in the morning with 2000 or so steps under my belt. I try to do the remaining ten in one long stint which generally takes eighty minutes. And because I’m sticking to shade, I usually watch how the shadows change over that amount of time. Shadows that are short and squat to begin with become taller and skinnier as time goes by. The shadows of the trees at the turn-around start out close together and then move farther apart before they come back together again later in the day.
This morning as I was walking, that process made me think about childhood friendships—how often those relationships start out close, spread apart for a time, and then gradually come back together in later years. That’s what I learned on my walk this morning.
We live in an area of Bellevue called Bridle Trails. As the name implies, these are horse acres. However, you aren’t required to have a horse, and we don’t. But the majority of the area is second growth forest. That means we have lots of wildlife. One morning this summer, I saw a big buck go sauntering through the yard next door. We have a black bear who understands time well enough to know which day the garbage will be put out in any given neighborhood. S/he’s has also learned his or her way around the security straps that are supposed to keep our dumpster bear-free. We’ve seen a bobcat walking along our side fence and there’s also a neighborhood raccoon. So we have wildlife here.
My least favorite wildlife visitor is the heron. He’s managed to divest our fish pond of almost all our fish, but those of you who’ve been reading this blog long enough will be happy to know that our two ten year-old and very cagey koi, the Big Guy and Big Orange, are still going strong eleven years later. Colt was five when we put them in the fishpond.
During the last few weeks I’ve felt fall coming on. Leaves are starting to drop from the birch tree although the wisteria is only just now beginning to show a bit of yellow. The hydrangeas the were bright blue this summer have mostly gone purple. There are still a few blue ones but not very many. What truly surprises me, however, is how many green blooms are still showing.
A few years ago, when we went on a cruise around the British Isles we had dinner in a five-star restaurant in London where the centerpiece was made up of long-stemmed green hydrangeas. I couldn’t figure out how they got them to be green like that. Now I know. They picked them in September which was when we went on our cruise.
By the way, when I was writing Blessing of the Lost Girls, I wanted to tell the story of the four brothers who are responsible for the four seasons. In the process I discovered that the Tohono O’odham don’t have a word for Fall. I guess when you live in the Sonoran Desert, it’s pretty much summer until it’s winter, and you don’t really need a name for the short amount of time between the two.
I have a lot of thinking time when I’m outside walking even though I’m also compulsively counting my steps in 500 step increments along the way. This morning I was thinking about the blog. When I’m writing a book, I’m thinking about the next scene.
These days, aside from writing, I’m doing a good deal of caretaking as far as my husband is concerned. Out of necessity I’ve had to learn a lot about cooking, and I’m also in charge of what the dogs are up to, so those eighty minutes of walking a day are what I do for self-care. It’s eighty minutes that belong to me and no one else.
Someone commenting on last week’s blog wondered if maybe I could become her life coach. So that’s what I’m doing today—taking a crack at being a life coach.
I know I’m not the only caretaker out there, and if you’re in that same boat, find something that you do just for you each day. I’m able to walk. For one reason or another, that may be impossible for many of my readers, but do carve out some time each day that is just for you.
Believe me, you’ve earned it.
Don’t ask me how I know.
My best to Bill
We are a perfect match. I am five feet tall and very dark. At a cocktail party in grad school, the dean’s wife asked, “And what foreign country do you come from?”
“New Jersey,” I answered.
You are one of my favorite people, Judy. Another one in that catagory died this past week but at a very old age. Angela Lansbury. You both have been an inspiration in my life of 84 yrs. Your commitment to walking is motivating me
And I need it. Looking forward to your next book. I think I’ve read them all. Some twice.
This morning, I am taking my time by adding detail to a 50 year old brass train model. Something that takes my mind off so many other things that bother me.
Tomorrow will be incredibly busy as it is our annual train auction – and I am the auctioneer! Right now is my quiet time – just for me!
Thanks for the update about the creatures around your house. I had wondered if the heron was still causing trouble. He apparently feels at home at your house. Am glad the fish are managing to outsmart him.
I, too, have a pale complexion and sunburn easily. Get more freckles instead of a tan.
I’m sorry about Bill’s health changing. Blessings to both of you as you navigate this season of your life. I appreciate that you really are taking care of yourself. That’s so vital on the long haul. Personally, I so look forward to Friday morning when I get my newsletter! Thank you, Judy, you are so appreciated.
gr8 ur early today The HP gods just wiped out 500 words of my ramblings about our kindred spirits. they {spirits} saved you. from my ramblings. Chuck From Tacoma 2 1/2 year Lead Caregiver for Wife of 55 years. Those aids were gratefully appreciated. Yes the 80 year old Shuttle Express Driver from 4 years ago. Aloha…
I’m appreciative and envious of your walks. The saying goes (I believe) is “you don’t appreciate what you had until it’s gone”. That’s me after a fall weeding my flowerbeds one and a half years ago. I shattered my plateau tibia, Life Flighted, two surgeries, finally walking again but never what I had before.
Such enjoyable reading, and such sage advice. As many of us older folks know, we have much experience to share with those who will listen, but are still open to additional information. Thanks, JA.
My best to Bill, and to you as well. I suspected he had suffered a decline in vitality when you indicated you could no longer travel together. This is something my husband and I have also had to accept. We have adjusted and found ways to enjoy our memories of all the good times.
It is always good to read about Colt. Wow! 6-four! It seems he takes after your side of the family.
Thanks for telling us about all the wildlife in your area and that the heron continues to survive without capturing the 2 big guys in the pond. This is one of my favorite ongoing sagas in your blog.
Enjoy these twilight days with Bill. Life is good.
Beautifully written…
Best to Bill.
Remember to take care of yourself first.
Love and prayers every day.
Judy, I related so much to the part you spoke about having close friends and how the friendships start out strong, then wane and then come back together again in our older years. I feel so blessed to have these friendships. They especially mean a lot to me as I have been widowed for quite a while and my kids are grown and on their own now.
At age 70, I will become a grandma for the first-time next month. I am so looking forward to it. I wonder what kind of nick names I will think of for her as she grows. Does Colt still like to be called by nick names?
Thanks for your weekly blogs. I love the way your mind works. I could relate to almost everything you said today, well, except for having a 10,000-step flat driveway to walk, but I admire that you walk these steps every day. I wish all the best for Bill. How lucky he is to have you.
I think it’s perfectly obvious how you KNOW. Sorry to hear your hubby isn’t in tip top shape. I understand that but not so bad.
Blessings on your caretaking. I was in that position for over 10 years with my husband. We did have almost 63 years or marriage, and had lots of good times. He died sic months ago. I believe that he took off in the small plane to the universe and wants me to enjoy the rest of my years. I am 86 and just organized a class lunch of my Renton High class for this week-end. I keep busy with a bridge group, two book groups, and have lots of other fun activities. I also am good friends with Wally and Penny Hume. So i am doing the best to enjoy every moment of my day! Love youf blogs. Cheers from Marilyn
Becoming a full time caregiver is not something I had planned for my retirement, but it’s what I got.
I spend what free time I have in trying to find in home HELP. It’s damn near impossible. Or so expensive only the very rich can afford it.
Thanks for the reminder to find something just for me, I need to do that, and not feel guilty about doing it.
Bless you and I’m thanking you for your post. All of the many caretakers know the need for time for self presentation but being able to do a quiet walk is out of many of our reach.
I found that my love of reading was not possible for me( no concentration ) I ended up doing kids coloring books. (?) More thinking was not a thing I could do. HAHA
I am taking time now to learn to relax and read again. Thankfully you are there!
So again BLESS You and many happy miles ahead.
as a former caretaker was good c piece thanks
I really enjoy your blog and books. Having lived in Seattle (Ballard to Mill Creek) and now calling Scottdale home I love reading about places I’ve been to (although I never did make it to the Dog House before it closed). I do/did alot of walking so I listen to books more than I read. Recently with two of the Ali books I got the abridged version of the audio books by mistake. While I was entertained by the story, I missed some of the detail that comes with the unabridged version.
I’d like to understand the process of how a book is abridged. It would seem to me (a logical MBA finance type) that it more than taking out sentences here and there. By my estimate, an abridged book is about 60-65% of the length of the unabridged version. So how do you (or whom ever does this process) shorten the story without losing the key elements? I’d love to understand the process— now that I’m retired I have time to wonder about other professions.
Could you do a blog post about this? Or just email me if you don’t think this is of interest to your readers. Thx so much
They once sent me a proposed version of an abridged book. I hated it because I knew what they were leaving out. In other words, as far as abridgments are concerned, I’m in the dark–on purpose.
JAJ
I enjoyed reading your blog today as I do each Friday. I also was a caretaker for my husband for almost 10 years. My best to Bill and to you. I enjoyed the Shadows, something that intrigued me as a child in Tacoma while running around my neighborhood. I have just started taking my time and have enjoyed it so far. Thank you for letting us read about your wildlife and your Koi.
Very nice. Thank you!!
My Scandinavian-descended wife is a connoisseur of hats to protect her skin and eyes. She is older than I am, and I am beginning to see how much caregiving I’ve been taking on, and the strain I am feeling. It sneaked up on me, and your blog is a reminder to manage it so I can bend, not break. Thanks!
Several other comments resonate with me today:
(Donna) I was binge-watching Angela Lansbury this week, reflecting on her dignified and energetic example for being a good human. She gave back to the world in substantive ways. I found I was more engaged by interviews than by the acting.
(Dave) I smiled about the train, as I know two train buffs and when I stumble on train-related treasures I have to decide which of them to gift it to.
(Sue) I used to read Reader’s Digest Condensed Books as a child — I think my father had a subscription to that series — and after I reached a certain age was also curious about the process. I read a couple of the unabridged versions of books I’d read in the abridged versions, and even did side-by-side comparisons. One thing I noticed is that RD removed all the sexually suggestive scenes. I wish I could remember more about what I learned in that exercise. So I second the request to learn more.
Today I’ll be attending a memorial for a retired co-worker who has now left this life, and probably thinking about how to walk the line between continuing to work at something that engages my brain and having the energy to care for an aging partner. And how to know when I’m no longer good enough at the job to stay in it. Aging is not for the faint of heart! It’s a good thing most of us have acquired some wisdom along the way, and that there are many ways (including this blog) to share that wisdom.
Yes. caregivers do need time for themselves and the only ones who realize that are the caregivers and those who work with those needing care.
I tried laying out in the sun once also–5 minutes seemed like an hour. Gave that up and get my sun weeding in the yard and going on walks.
It’s amazing how theraputic a long walk can be. Each morningwhen I begin, I’m dreading the long route. Then before I know it, I find myself thinking about people or things or problems or whatever, and I realize I wouldn’t have taken the time for these musings had I stayed inside at my computer or doing chores or whatever. This is my alone time that I can use however I wish. I can talk to people who have passed from this world and I know they are listening. Sometimes I share these thoughts with my husband, but most often, I keep them to myself. I cherish my alone time totally without any phone or TV or computer to interupt me. I need and deserve this special time.
Wow! I am not alone! Life has been so empty since my wife has past. The event is only 90 days past. We didn’t make kids, but I taught highschool science classes. Rather than chaperone dances etc I took van loads of students on 5 or 19 day trips to the Mojave desert or the White mountains of Calif, during spring break or summers. Now a lot of those “kids” are taking the time to come by and visit. Sometimes, stay a few days. Or take me to medical appointments. I feel deeply honored by their attention. It’s something I never expected or even thought might happen. Here I am at 84 and not alone.
You might be interested in the fact that”fall” is mostly an American term, the rest of the world tends to cal it “autumn.” I suppose that’s because more leaves FALL in America than the rest of the world.
But in any case, here in Australia it’s now SPRING, not Fall.
Bob Glass
Being caretaker has been very rewarding but, at times, some of the hardest minutes and seconds in our marriage. The love is still there but the work is hard. Your ‘you walk’ is an excellent idea. I haven’t taken a ‘me walk’ in over a year. I think I will start giving me my own time! Thank you for the Rx!!!
Love your grandson’s new middle name!
Thanks to your example, Judy, I am now wearing a watch that counts steps-
All I need to do is to take those steps outside! I have always loved to walk, but when quarantine started I became avoidant about going outside, a habit I am now trying to break-
I am not a caregiver to my husband, who is healthy, but I was for my Mother for almost ten years, even though she lived in another state- I was always flying down to support her after my father died- She was not an easy person to deal with, but at least I have no regrets- I suspect that Bill does appreciate the love you show for him, Judy- You have two jobs these days: Writing and caretaking- Enjoy your steps! And I hope you wil continue to have the joy of Colt’s youth and innocence!
Those who have not been through the experience think that being a caregiver is not much different than being a spouse (or significant other).
It’s more than the usual dr. appointments or “normal” vitamins, medications and supplements. It’s being a nurse, pharmacist, liaison with medical and insurance personnel, and advocate, as well as being a dietician, chauffeur, and sometimes, even physical therapist. It’s being appointment scheduler and secretary as well as sometimes being a tattle tale when the patient doesn’t want to talk about things like blood pressure or blood sugar numbers.
It’s being a “wheelchair motor” when it’s too far them to walk. Bless his heart, my late husband, Mike, always did say I was the “cutest wheelchair motor” in the Phoenix VA, St. Joe’s or MD Anderson! I always tried to squeeze in a little “me time”, even if it was just taking the long way instead of the direct route, from the room in Barrow to the cafeteria and back again. BTW -Did you know that the halls of St. Joe’s are a virtual museum of the hospital’s history?
PS – Dave Audley, your train reference made me smile. Mike and I collected Pre-War toy trains. It’s a hobby we both loved and we went to many meets, sometimes as visitors and others as vendors. I used to tell people we had a mixed marriage because he liked to display the trains and I liked to set them up and run them. LOL
JA…I too am a caretaker…for my wife of 56 years. My self care includes my reading/ meditation in a 2 year series called For All the Saints. It’s grounding. I also take time to get out of the house when the care provider is present 4 hrs a day 5 days a week. Shop for groceries etc. I also carve out a once a month breakfast with a couple of retired clergy. I am rewriting a Catechism piece for my grandson who has ADD. Enough from me! God’s blessings on your work and wa)king!
AMEN, from a committed morning walker!
I have read and loved all of your books. I am waiting somewhat patiently for your next release. JP Beaumont is my favorite. I also like Joanna Brady. I am up early every Friday morning to read your blogs. Keep writing so I can keep readings.
?BTW: Bishop Mary Ann Swenson aka Marianne Maculyea will be preaching the sermon this Sunday at our Claremont United Methodist Church. She and her husband graduated from the, next door, School of Theology. They did their internship at our church. They were a remarkable pair.
Amen
I understand a caregiver needing time for him or herself. The last 15 years of Robert’s life, I was his. We had a bit over 53 years together, but those last were difficult. My writing help me stay sane. My faith kept me centered. Judy, I have enjoyed your books over the years, and I pray you will be able add to those you have already written. I hope you’re able to stay strong as you care for Bill.
Reading so many of the responses today shows what your writing and blog mean to {your} people.
I just started, as I said earlier today, reading again after talking care of my best friend of 30 yrs. She died just a month ago after 9 months of care. But after people asking why? I had to look at them an say didn’t you ever care for someone special?
She was there for me through my husbands of 55 years finale 18 months.
Sorry this longer that I meant BUT you were there for us with friends we made in your books.
Thanks
Reading the comments on the blog is my weekly payday for writing it. Each one is like being given a hug.
Being a caregiver is a hard job but obviously one done out of love. But one must love and take care of themselves also. Sending you positive thoughts and a hug. You are an inspiration.
Thank you, J.A.