A Permanent Solution

by

I started reading the “agony aunts”—Ann Landers and Dear Abby—in fourth or fifth grade.  Dear Abby appeared in the Bisbee Daily Review.  Ann Landers was in the Douglas Dispatch.  At the time, I had no idea that the two of them were actually sisters with a somewhat prickly relationship.  Maybe they both should have written to some other advice columnist to get some suggestions about possible solutions to that rift.

Sometime last summer I quit reading both of them cold turkey with absolutely zero negative withdrawal issues.  On the positive side, I gained back a few minutes of time every day.  One of the things that bothered me was that many of the same issues came up over and over again, year after year.  One of those that really bugged me was when, in families where there were divorce issues or even complicated in-law issues, the kids always complained about having to do a footrace from house to house and choke down multiple plates of turkey and dressing before they finally made it to the end of Thanksgiving.  And then there were the parental units complaining that the kids always went to the “other” parents for holiday celebrations. Whenever I’d read about one of those issues, I’d find myself grinding my teeth and muttering, “Get a grip, people!”

I’ve written about this before, but some things bear repeating. Sixty-some odd years ago, my mother, Evie Busk, peered into her crystal ball and saw a future in which our family was going to be faced with a similar issue when she learned that my then boyfriend and eventual first husband had to be at home with his mother every Christmas NO EXCEPTIONS!

Always resourceful, my mother engineered an effective solution by reimagining the old Swedish custom of Lil Jul Aften, aka Little Christmas Eve.  In the old country, Lil Jul Aften occurs the Sunday before Christmas.  By the way, that J in Jul is pronounced like a Y, as in yule. As my mother explained it to me at the time, there’s a festive dinner—ham usually along with appropriate side dishes—and all attendees are allowed to open a single gift.

That first Evie-proclaimed Lil Jul Aften occurred in 1963, and it’s been going strong ever since.  It worked great during the time I was dating my first husband and while we were married. After we divorced. Lil Jul Aften became an incredible blessing because I could have my Christmas with the kids before they went to Vegas to visit their father and grandmother.  And it continues to be a blessing now that Bill and I are married and our family has expanded to kids, grandkids, and great grandkids who have grown up to live independent and more far-flung lives.

One of the advantages of celebrating a holiday on a different day is that it isn’t a holiday for anyone else.   If you need a last-minute batch of whipping cream from the grocery store or an emergency gift for an unexpected guest, it’s no problem.  The stores are all wide open.

It’s also a moveable feast.  One year when there was an unusual pre-Christmas snowstorm here in Seattle, we celebrated Lil Jul Aften the Sunday AFTER Christmas once the weather had cleared up.  Last year due to a death in the family, moving the celebration to the next Sunday was also a necessity, one that turned out to work surprisingly well.  Having the party the weekend before Christmas sometimes made it difficult for people attending college or teaching school because sometimes scheduled winter breaks posed a conflict.  So this week we’re again having our big family gathering the weekend following Christmas Day.

This year, that’s especially beneficial since, on December 21, 2025, Bill and I will be celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary. Thanks to Evie Busk’s wisdom, there won’t be any timing conflicts because Lil Jul Aften is an entirely moveable feast.  If it happens to be more convenient for everyone in your family to show up in the middle of the summer rather than at Christmastime, you could hold your own celebration then.  If need, you could also declare an alternative date for celebrating Thanksgiving!

This year, on the afternoon of December 28th, I’ll raise a glass and propose a toast to my mother. In 1963 she was smart enough to peer into the future, glimpse an on-going problem, and come up with a permanent solution that has benefited several generations—kids, grandkids, great grandkids, and now even great greats.

Way to go, Evie Busk!  You may have only had a seventh-grade education, but when it came to common sense, you were at the head of the class!

39 thoughts on “A Permanent Solution”

  1. Wonderful ideas. I’ve used versions of this for decades too. Since being divorced for a long time, coming up with alternate ways of celebrating holidays and special events has been one way to handle the potential conflicts. And now with family and friends living far away, alternative ways to be together while apart and to celebrate regardless of where we are, is a relief.Thank you for sharing this lovely tradition. May your holy days and holidays be filled with goodness and joy. I can no longer travel long distances, so to maintain traditions, I hold a zoom family gathering on Christmas Eve, go to midnight mass via zoom. Rather than bemoaning the distance and not being able to be together, I celebrate the option to use Zoom, Facebook, and other alternative ways of ‘being together’. It’s the world we live in now, and accepting the changes and adapting seems the best way to handle distance with loved ones. Thank you.

  2. What a great story about a tradition, Lil Jul Aften, that can work for many. Our family did have different celebrations for the family and its various extensions as it grew, now I have a name for it. Thank you Evie!
    Merry Christmas to you and your family.
    I’m now without family to celebrate, but now I have virtual family members.

  3. I need to raise a glass to Evie Busk this year too, as we will be celebration Lil Jul Aften also. Another trip has come up which will require us to leave on Christmas Day, so plans are for Christmas dinner on Sunday the 21st. Didn’t realize it was an old Swedish custom, but I love it.

    Wishing you, Bill and your entire family a wonderful Christmas no matter when you have it.

  5. Our family celebrates “Ludichristmas” at Thanksgiving on alternate years when our kids go to “The Other” grandparents for actual Christmas. It works! Merry Christmas and Happy Jul to you and yours! Can’t wait to see you in Tucson in March!!

  6. The only problem with having a movable celebration is finding a date that suits everyone’s schedule, or as it usually works out, most of the people’s schedule. This year our family celebration is on Saturday December 27, and even then some of the older grandchildren may not be able to make it due to work commitments. It only took us about 10 texts back and forth to come up with the optimum date.

  7. We celebrate Christmas the week before our the week after depending on the weather. The kids can hang with the in laws on there day if they so choose

  8. Because several in our big family live out of state, travel plans need to be taken into account. Ditto for those of us who work nights and/or on holidays. Many years ago we created a day for us, some Saturday or Sunday, in mid-November to early January that will work. We usually negotiate it in September so everyone can buy their tickets and schedule being off work. It’s a day we all can be together to catch up on family news, feast, and open a couple gifts. Often they are gag gifts with lots of laughter and hugs. We’ve named our day THANKFULCHRISTMAS and spell it just like that!

  11. Happy Lil Jul Aften!
    A special thank you to Evie who inspired such a lovely tradition. She was also responsible for The Circle. God bless you, Evie!
    And happy 40th anniversary!

  12. We’ve done a version of weekend long Thanksgiving, going to my aunts on Thanksgiving day and cooking dinner at our house for my husband’s Grandparents that always picked that week to fly in from Denmark (they would stay 6 months with his uncle). I loved having my own leftovers.
    Because my daughter’s fiancé is military and his parents live on the east coast and my daughter lived 1st in Vegas and now in the Tucson area of Arizona , a 7 hour drive from us in California it’s hard to have Christmas on the 24/25. This year we will probably celebrate Christmas again on the 28th which is also my daughter’s birthday.
    Which brings me to my nightmare I had last night. I just finished decorating the tree before bed, a real tree as my Danish husband calls the cut noble fir. I dug out the hand painted glass ornaments and for the first time in years hung them on the tree. We have had various potted small trees for years with me repotting them till they get too big to bring in the house and because of the cats only decorate with non breakable ornaments. In my dream my daughter’s 3 large dogs with their excited tails knock the tree over ….
    Merry Christmas

  13. I love common sense, it serves me well. Happy 40th Anniversary to you and Bill ?? I bet you feel Blessed to have that, plus more years together. We discovered years ago, to celebrate with our siblings, their family’s the Saturday before Christmas!

  14. I have an extremely small family when celebrating holidays – my husband, my sister, my 2 children, and their spouses. Both my SIL and DIL come from larger families and between those families, they have commandeered Christmas Eve and all day Christmas.
    Just like your moveable feast, we started celebrating on the Sunday between Christmas and New Year’s Day, only having to change things if Christmas falls during a weekend. It works well for us and, the stress levels are really minimized.
    It’s nice to know that I share some common sense with Evie because, I’ve always been impressed by your reports.
    Happy Lil Jul Aften and Happy Anniversary.

  16. Congratulations on your 40th Anniversary and on solving a problem that hounds every married couple in the world!
    Jackie O

  17. We have done this many times and our family is very small. No grands so scheduling around another generation has not been an issue. Travels, and odd work schedules have been the deciding factors for us. This year we’ll gather on the 21st, which will also be my husband’s 83rd birthday. Merry Christmas to you!

  18. Thank you for sharing your expetiences. I will be sharing with my family which has similar needs to be everywhere at once.We have done pretty well so far but it , yearly, gets a bit more complicated and now I can see possible options. Your mom was thoughtful and practical. A blessing for those under her influence, in cluding me, your faithful longtime reader. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Judy (Vromans)

  19. Wishing you a very happy 40th wedding anniversary, and a joy-filled celebration of the holy days and holiday season. ???

  20. Thanks for your explanation. Our large family is scattered. We solved the holiday problem in a way similar to your Lil Jul Aften. We call it Thanksmas. We usually celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday, and Christmas the next day.

    Merry Christmas!?
    George

  21. Thanks for your explanation. Our large family is scattered. We solved the holiday problem in a way similar to your Lil Jul Aften. We call it Thanksmas. We usually celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday, and Christmas the next day.

    Merry Christmas!?
    George

  23. Thanks for your explanation. Our large family is scattered. We solved the holiday problem in a way similar to your Lil Jul Aften. We call it Thanksmas. We usually celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday, and Christmas the next day.

    Merry Christmas!?
    George

  24. Happy early anniversary to you and Bill! In early February, my wife Fran and I will celebrate our 42nd anniversary.
    I hope you and yours have a Merry and all the best to all of you for 2026.

  25. Happy early anniversary to you and Bill! My wife Fran and I will celebrate our 42nd anniversary in mid -February 2026.
    I hope you and yours have a Merry Christmas and all the best to you and yours for 2026.

  26. I only attended a few of these before our family moved from Michigan to Arizona, but my Belgian relatives always met the Sunday between Christmas and New Year’s in Detroit. They would go to Mass in the morning and have a big gathering for dinner in the afternoon. I know this continued for many years, but I don’t know if the descendants still meet.

  27. Great advice Evie.
    Happy 40th anniversary to you and Bill. Dave and I (who died in October) would be celebrating 60 years together next June.
    Christmas Eve is with my children (now adults with adult children–not married yet–) and Christmas Day with my sister. It always seems to work out. And, I can see what you do coming in the future as my grandkids get married.

  28. Happy 40th Anniversary!
    So glad for a name for it. We have been doing Lil Jul Aften for a long long time for the many reason you have mentioned. Thanksgiving gets moved around a little, too.

  29. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
    I have enjoyed reading your books and I pass them along to my granddaughter.
    After my husband passed away, my sister and her husband took me on a 3 week road trip to visit 8 States. Part of our trip included Bisbee which was interesting.
    Upon walking up one of the hills (mostly hilly) I came across a shop that had some of your used paperbacks for sale outside, but I had already read them. When you speak of Bisbee in your blogs and books, I can relate and it gives me a smile.
    I look forward to your next new book.

  34. Evie was a caring, creative woman. Your family was blessed with her as wife, mother and grandmother.
    She created a world where everybody counted and could be included.

  35. Our family for years made the trip to next state over on alternate years, we tried to make the holidays equal but was always feeling like we were being robbed of our own holiday. When our boys got old enough home was where we decided the relatives could come to us. They could figure out what they wanted to do. We held a big dinner and friends and family were invited.

  37. Ann Landers (“Ask Ann Landers”) passed away in 2002 (from cancer at 83 years old) and the column ceased posting new letters a few weeks later.
    “Dear Abby” is still being published, but it’s been written by her daughter since 2002. (“Abby” retired in 2000 and passed away in 2013).
    If you were still seeing the same issues over and over for the then it’s likely that the newspaper was simply recycling old letters.

  38. This is perfect!! I’d like to share this post on Facebook with all my friends and families, if you approve.

    After I was married (62 years ago) I never had a Thanksgiving or Christmas with my parents. Well, I take that back. Two weeks before my Dad died we together. I was helping Mom as caregiver. Then that year for Christmas (2 weeks after Dad died) to my immediate family (husband and our 3 kids) stayed with Mom. I’ve always regretted the fact my kids never saw a traditional holiday with my parents.

    Now our family is scattered, so I think our upcoming holidays will be celebrated “whenever” we can with “whomever.” You write this so well I’m going to make sure our kids and granddaughters see your blog post!!! Thank you for helping solve this family delimma so easily.

  39. Evie and I had it figured out. When my daughter got divorced, her not-so-nice former spousal unit wanted every second Thanksgiving. He just wanted me to NOT have it because he knew it was my favorite. Daughter was very upset, but I declared, every second year we celebrated on the Sunday before and, just as you said, I LOVED it. It is no longer an issue but as you said, folks were scurrying around and I would we thinking…”I’m done”. With the added bonus at times of getting invited to friends’ houses. It was terrific. And, unbeknownst to the family, we may be doing that again in 2026 because hubby and I have a plan…

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