Maiden Names
To Diana Conway from Judy Busk
We were young girls together,
Eleven or twelve at most,
Yet our conversations soared to galaxies afar.
We carried books by wagonload,
Dug for fossils, climbed a rock or two
And swore that they were mountains.
We lost each other later in a maze
Of married names that easily removed all trace
Of those two friends together.
I think of you, Diana, and I know
Our paths must be in parallel.
I only hope someday they’ll cross again.
People who have read my book of poetry, After the Fire, may remember the above poem and the story that went with it. The Conways came to Bisbee, Arizona, and moved into a house at the top of Yuma Trail, just up the street from ours, in the summer of 1955. The Conways had two kids—a boy and a girl. Diana was a year older than I was, and her younger brother, Joey. was the same age as my younger brother, Arlan. Diana and I quickly bonded. We both loved reading, and we made weekly treks to the Greenway School Library—which was open one day a week during the summers—hauling books back and forth in our family’s Radio Flyer wagon.
Mr. Conway had been hired as an announcer at the local radio station. Unfortunately, his new job lasted only two months. At the end of the summer they left town, moving on to California. After that Diana and I stayed in touch as pen-pals. The summer before I started high school, I took a train from Tucson to LA and spent a week with Diana and her family at their home in Sherman Oaks. We continued to correspond through college, but after that, we lost touch.
In the early eighties I began looking for her—to no avail. It was as though she had vanished into thin air, and that’s when I wrote the poem, hoping that someone who knew Diana might read it and put us back in touch. That didn’t happen, so a few years later, I tried again. While writing the first Walker Family book, Hour of the Hunter, the main character was named Diana in honor of my long-ago friend, and part of the dedication said, “and to Diana Conway, wherever she is.”
Eleven years later, that dedication paid off. While attending Left Coast Crime in Anchorage in 1991, I met a woman who said, “Who’s the Diana Conway in this book,” she demanded holding up a copy of Hour of the Hunter, open to the dedication page. “I know someone named Diana Conway, and she lives right here in Anchorage. Minutes later, I was speaking on the phone—well, blubbering rather than speaking—to my long-lost friend. She had attended seventeen schools in the course of grade school and high school. I attended two. She was a bit taken aback because she hadn’t been searching for me in the same way I had been searching for her. Just like that, our long-interrupted friendship was back on a penpal basis.
It turns out, however, that Diana Conway wasn’t the only one of my childhood friends who had disappeared into the ethers. Before the Conways moved into that house on Yuma Trail, another family lived there—a large family, complete with seven kids, just like ours. We mostly paired off by age, and Donna and I became pals. They were Catholic, so the kids went to St. Pat’s school in Bisbee rather than Greenway, but from kindergarten through third grade, Donna and I were thick as thieves.
In Bisbee, Phelps Dodge was the major employer. Each summer, the company shut down the mines and everyone involved went on vacation. People who didn’t have family members employed by PD stayed home during Shut Down. (By the way, the Busk kids made out like bandits watering lawns for people who were out of town.) In 1953 Donna’s family went to California during Shut Down and never returned—with no explanation. Like the Conways would do several years later, they simply vanished into the black hole of California. Just like that, my best friend Donna was gone.
Since putting Diana’s name in a book had finally given me back my one missing friend, when it came time to write Web of Evil, Ali #2, I tried pulling the same stunt. I didn’t put Donna’s name in the book—I used her brother’s name for one of the characters, and guess what? It worked. Months later I received an email from someone who knew the brother. I wrote back to him, explaining the whole story and giving him my contact information in case Donna was interested in being in touch.
Months later, Donna called me. We spoke on the phone for the better part of an hour. She explained that life in their household had been anything but perfect. Domestic violence wasn’t something that was even hinted at in Bisbee, Arizona, in the fifties, but clearly it had existed in that household. When the family left on “vacation” during Shut Down that year, their mother loaded her kids into the car and set off for California with no intention of ever returning. For months she and her kids lived in a relative’s garage somewhere in the LA area. Donna’s parents never divorced, and when her father was ill and dying, her mother took him back and cared for hm until his eventual passing.
Donna grew up. Eventually she had returned to Arizona, living in the Phoenix area where she married and had a good job, achieving a level of stability in adulthood that had been absent from her childhood. During that phone call, she told me that it never occurred to her that she might have been a good enough friend that anyone would have been looking for her. So although she was complimented to know that I had searched for her, she had no interest in resuming our friendship. Remembering those “old days” was just too painful.
I’ve abided by her wishes, but this week, as I was re-reading Web of Evil, I encountered her brother’s name and all of this came back to me in a flash. Now I’ve shared the story with you. Why? Because I’m guessing I’m not the only person my age who has lost and found friends. And the thing is, sometimes, when you find them again, the best thing to do is to let them go.
Amen
This weeks blog touches me in many places. I have tried for years to reconnect with a few friends from my childhood, but to no avail. At my age, 86, I don’t even know if they are still alive. Most of the friends who I did keep in touch with have passed.
This blog could have been from my life as well. Making friends as children, losing them when we or they moved, finding them again as adults, keeping some as friends and others just as memories…
Thank you, Judy.
Your story reminds me of friends I myself have lost through moves–MY family’s moves this time. Mom counted 26 moves in my first 24 years, and the first friend I remember losing was Sandra Hodgkin, whose address must have been discarded somehow during the packing-up process. The trouble with losing GIRL friends is that they usually have a married name by now, so even looking for them on facebook doesn’t work. It’s heartwarming that you’re pen pals with Diana again after all these years, but yes, sometimes one just has to let others go, because they belong to a previous time and a previous place.
I too have looked up long lost school friends. Lots of stories of the past
Thanks
This struck a huge heart-note with me. It’s not easy to let a re-discovered friend go, but you made me see that trying to hang on can be ultimately selfish and destructive to the friend. Thanks!
Your story today is both happy and sad because of those long ago friendships that you remembered and sought didn’t materialize again when you eventually found them. I’m sure I’m not the only one who followed along with your story and had recollections of their own of childhood friends lost long ago. As kids those friendships are so intense that I could never imagine that they wouldn’t last forever. None of them did. Sorry to say. I guess that’s just how life is, unfortunately.
Thank you for sharing your lost friends’ stories.
I recently encountered a similar experience. I had reconnected with two high school friends about 20 years ago. The 3 of us kept in contact through email, and I had met with both separately on a couple of occasions. After a few years, one of them stopped corresponding and attempts by to reach out via phone and letters didn’t work. It was through my remaining friend’s sister that we would hear snippets from Facebook. My friend asked her sister if she knew why our friend stopped writing and it turned out it was due to me, something I never knew about. I was so upset that the friend never contacted me directly about the issue that I deleted her information from my phone. About 2 months ago, the friend reached out to my current friend and my current friend contacted her (she had asked me what I thought and I said go for it but please don’ t give any information about me). My current friend did speak with her and was asked about me. The other friend did bring up the issue, my current friend was vague. When that other friend asked, “Is she still with that man,” referring to my husband whom she had met, I decided I did not want to make contact with her. My current friend and I are in contact daily and I’ll keep it like that.
You still cared.
I’m teary eyed. This hit home, not because it’s happened to me–my best friend from 5th grade on died a couple years ago from kidney failure. But because as life happens, some of us have gone through crappy stuff, while others have gone on to amass massive amounts of money and lived good lives and even though you’ve gone through grade school, high school and college, they suddenly ‘forget about you’ when your life has gone to hell, with divorce, diseases, etc. They are off on a cruise while you sit at home with a torn meniscus. It hurts.
You’re right. It’s time to let go.
jdo
Good story. I have one friend from my childhood that I still am in touch with and she is in a memory care center but she appears to still remember me.
So true
Through “Googling” their names or searching on “Facebook” I have discovered information about some past friends and acquaintances–Most of my high school friends died in the late 1980s and early 1990s usually from cancer or auto collisions. My college boyfriend broke up with me when I graduated and moved out of state. Three summers ago I searched his name and discovered that after returning from Vietnam, he died of complications from ALS. His best friend survived being shot in a rice paddy and is now a very successful businessman in Texas. My best friend during my first year of teaching in Superior joined a religious group which does not allow friendships outside the group (definitely not this Presbyterian). I am grateful for their friendship and memories of our fun times together, but I have had a very different and mostly happy life in the last 60 years. I would not go back or drag them into my life now. One surprising re-connection is a new friendship with my former sister-in-law who looked for me.
This brought tears to my eyes—many of my childhood memories rolled into reading one blog. You have the courage I don’t, JA, but the world is a much nicer place with your thinking in it. <3
AH………memories of people, places and the age THAT I WAS BACK THEN:-)
I have had some doozies BUT they are memories of the time, place and people. In my 80plus years I have met and loved a lot of people who have been very nice to me and my family. And of course a few “stinkers”! You have to chose what memories you want to carry forward! Don’t let the bad ones get you down and when you look back on them, just think! I SURVIVED and made my own way in life. And don’t get mad at how someone/something treated you personally. Smile, pick yourself up and get on with your life! And yes, I grew up “Shirley Temple”……..hahahahaha.
Painful but true. Letting go the second time may even be more painful.
Your email about your friends from school I like it. I had friends in school that we stuck together from grade school through high school. Then we lost touch after high school. One of my friends we did try to keep in touch. But then I did not hear from her until I heard she had died. A person should try to keep in touch with your friends from high school. We all need that human contact.
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This story gave me cold chills. I was a lonely kid in school and only really had one good friend, although I hung out with my more popular brother’s buddies. That one good friend loved horses as I did and like to read as well. She moved away and I have never been able to find her again. If anyone knows Kathy Ritter…well, I am still looking.
This was a very heart touching post. I moved quite a bit growing up so had friends in many places that I have lost contact with except one. We stay in touch through Facebook. However this post gave me some fond memories of a few others. Thank you so much for stirring my mind to thoughts of special people in my life. You are my favorite author I enjoy reading and sharing your books with others
I’m nearly 82 and am fortunate to remain in contact with the first ‘girl’ I met when I moved to Springfield MA in 1948. We ended up at the same college (Elmira NY) and married fraternity brothers from Cornell. I am also still in contact with other friends I met when we moved in 5th grade and later a few gals I met at college. There are two from grade school I’ve never been able to find and I’ve wondered over the years just what happened to them. I miss my friends in WY where we lived for over 12 years, but I keep in touch with most of them through Facebook and email. Now that we live in AZ, I don’t have any close friends so I immerse myself in a lot of reading and am re-reading many of your books again. I like ’em all!! Thank you for being in my life.
I think you must keep in contact thru the years. It’s too hard to go back. I’ve no desire to try to find people I thought were so important. I guess they weren’t.
Judy, the same thing happened to me in Auburn, Washington. I had a best friend, Terri. She lived with her grandparents who lived down the road from us. We had a very special friendship as neighbors. Eventually she moved back with her parents in Seattle, then on to California. We wrote a few times, she had a hard life and by the time I tried diligently to look up her Brother and her Mother,,,she passed away. It’s an odd feeling to know I won’t ever hear her full story.
Your post touched me and also made me sad for friends and time lost. Although I understand why Donna did not want to relive such painful times I wish she would have tried. I believe knowing you again would have been very good for her. Oh well… I am sure just knowing you thought she was special enough to want to find her made her heart happy. Here’s to old friends.
I had a high school friend who I loved dearly. I lost touch with her during our college years. Later on I looked for her – and found her. I called and not only was she not interested in reconnecting but she had been angry this whole time by how my first husband had treated her. I had no idea. I was hurt that she didn’t want to reconnect until I just read your column. I’ve finally let her go thanks to you.
What great stories. One of my best friends from childhood was younger than me but we always knew each other was around but we went our separate ways in junior high and high school as I was two grades ahead of her. When we were both married and many years later I found out she lived just a few miles from me. We never ended up doing much together after that but she moved to CA and then to AZ. I had lost touch with her again. I remembered her Daughters name and searched for her on FB and found out her Mothers number which I actually had all along but thought she moved out of the country so I never tried it. So recently I called her and we spent a good hour catching up which I intend to keep doing as at our age ( 77) we don’t have many childhood friends left to visit those memories with. My best guy friend from 2 years old and up … passed a number of years ago. He and his family were like my second family. So Thank you for this great story today.
Some years ago, I commented to you about second chance and also went on to talk a bit about what I saw were similarities in our lives. You of course answered, and I always appreciated your comments.
Meanwhile, not too surprisingly I kept reading your books and your blog and over the years have had a chance to meet you at several book signings in Ballard and then when I moved to Southern California in Orange and the Huntington Beach library.
So now you’ve done it again written a blog that especially touches me and that’s about reconnecting with old friends. During the past 10 years, I have reconnected with women with whom I shared special bonds at different times in my life.
The first was my best friend when I was seven years old in Chicago. We have had intermittent contact during the first 20 years of our life as we moved to California different places and different times. About seven years ago through an entry on Facebook we reconnected once again in Newport Beach about halfway between where each of us lived. How did we know each other? We ended up both dressed in similar clothing. And spent at least three hours over lunch, talking and talking. At the end, I walked her to her car the same make, and model as the one that I am driving. We have kept in contact and meet for lunch every three or so months except during Covid.
The other friend from high school I met for lunch at a beautiful seaside restaurant in Oregon. She and I both had part of our family there and it was a very pleasant encounter, but that click was just not there anyway I just wanted you to know because you put it in such Wonderful word how I felt and how much I do enjoy and value both your blog and looking forward to the next book!
Definitely brings back memories of a friend I had during high school in the ’60’s. The Hartwell Dam was built during this time and I became good friends with Janice Hill whose father was with the Corps that built the dam. Janice left in 1962 and told me they were headed to Pakistan! I have thought of her many times but have no idea what happened to her.