I regard writing my weekly blog as giving my readers a window on my world. Most of the time I try to keep my posts light and breezy, but this week I’m seeing a lot of dark clouds both literally and figuratively. The Seattle area is in the midst of another “atmospheric river.” The good thing about rain is that eventually it stops and the sun comes back out. The figurative clouds don’t disperse as easily.
Several weeks ago, in my post entitled Storytelling Magic, I talked about the movie Mary Poppins and how, in 1964 and in honor of Little Sister’s Day at Pima Hall, our college dorm, a friend named Sharon Jane Brown and I took our two little sisters, both named Evelyn, to see the movie. It was a special experience for all of us. After writing the post, I sent a note to my sister about it and a text to Sharon. I don’t have an email address for her—just a phone number for sending texts.
Yesterday afternoon, my phone rang. When I answered, the person on the other end of the line said, “Who is this?” That seemed strange because usually the person doing the calling knows who he or she is calling, but because the phone indicated where the call originated, and since Sharon and her husband are the only people I know living there, I realized the caller had to be my college friend. “It’s me,” I answered, “Judy Busk Jance from Pima Hall.”
“Pima Hall?” she asked, sounding puzzled.
“You know,” I said. “Our college dorm.”
“Oh,” she said. “That’s right. Pima Hall. Where are you living now?”
“In the Seattle area, with my husband, Bill.”
“Do I know him?”
“You met him several years ago at the Pima Hall reunion in Tucson.”
“Oh, I remember that. It was fun. Are you still writing books?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Do you remember years ago when you first started writing books and you had me read them to see if there was anything wrong? What’s that called again, being an editor?”
“I think it’s called being a proofreader,” I told her, but the truth is, I didn’t remember that. In college we used to proofread each other’s papers, but when I started writing books, she wasn’t anywhere nearby.
She sounded like the Sharon Jane I knew—cheerful, chipper, upbeat. She went on to tell me about her wonderful husband, Cleb. They married in 1966, shortly after we all graduated from college, so they’re coming up on their sixtieth anniversary. Bill and I will celebrate our thirty-ninth on Saturday of this week.
“Well,” she said. “We’ve got the drop on you there. But Cleb is wonderful. He does all the cooking and he looks after me while I mostly work in the garden. We’ve got a huge back yard—a beautiful back yard.” And then, after that, the conversation took a turn and went back to the beginning.
“Who are you again?” she asked, and we went through the whole dialogue again—the same questions, the same answers—three more times over the course of a phone call that lasted all of sixteen minutes. When the call ended, I was exhausted and heartsick.
People who have dealt with Alzheimer’s up close and personal recognize this for what it is. I’ve heard the term, yes, but without any real life experience to back it up. If that broken record phone call was enough to wear me out, what must life be like for Cleb, living with that on a daily, round-the-clock basis? My heart aches for him, more than it does for her. She has no idea! He’s her caregiver. He loves her, but he’s lost his wife, just as I’ve lost my friend.
Today, while I was getting my steps, I was thinking about the time shortly after I moved to Seattle when Sharon and her young son, Kevin, came to visit. He was around four at the time, and when she told him they were going to Seattle, he decided in all his pre-school wisdom that they were going to see someone NAMED Attle!
I love that story. I wish I could share it with Sharon, but she wouldn’t remember any of it. And I can’t share it with Cleb, either, because it would probably only break his heart that much more. So I’m just going to shut my mouth and keep the whole family in my thoughts and prayers. That’s the best I can do.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer on your Friday morning, but the clouds outside my window really are dark today, and it occurs to me that turning eighty isn’t for the faint of heart.
I lost both my mother and my mother-in-law to Alzheimer’s (10 years apart). It’s heartbreaking to watch.
I know exactly what you’re feeling. My high school friend recently celebrated her 72nd birthday and is exhibiting signs with repeated questions. Breaks my heart. Prayers for you both.
So true about turning 80…definitely not for the faint of heart.
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Oh yes the clouds of darkness truly bring sadness and heartache!!! On another, very positive note, my husband Dwayne and I sooo enjoyed meeting and talking with you a few months ago after your talk in Mesa at the library in Apache Junction. We love and have well red copies of all your books!
How heartbreaking to hear that about your friend. My late mother had severe dementia the last year of her life. It was hard to see even though she was 87.
We had a layover at the Seattle this Tuesday and I got see the rain from the windows.
God bless you.
Alzheimer’s is a nasty business indeed!
I cared for my Chuck for 7 years before his release from the prison it becomes. He was set free coming on two years January 8, 2025. I still miss him, but am relieved as well.
My heart weeps for her husband as well as for you, Judy.
Thank you for your books to take us all away from our ‘real’ world for a while.
Vie Brock
PS please don’t mind my grammar and punctuation…yes, I know that I should know better. However I write and punctuate as I feel now at 82!
I run into the same situations. Sad! Just be understanding!
Thanks for sharing.
no reply needed. THANK YOU Ms. Jance for your very moving account about your recent interaction with your long time friend who now has dementia / Alzheimer’s.
So many families are struggling with the disease that takes their love one while they care for them day in and day out. Appreciate you, your books and your blog. Thank you
Bette Davis is known for saying, “Old age ain’t no place for sissies”. The older I get, the more I see the truth in that statement.”
Hi Judy, yes I agree with you, turning 80 is NOT for the faint of heart. I tuned 80 last May. I have wanted to travel to Singapore and Thailand for a long time. My son travels there often. On December 4th, with the help of my grandsons I headed out with my son, destination: Singapore for 3 days, then Thailand. I just returned today. The last leg of my trip was by myself as he will remain there until March. It was quite the experience! So happy that I got to go! If I go again it’ll be on a cruise, 17 hour flights are hard!
Alzheimer’s is a terrible disease. My mother lived with it for 8 years and I watched the progression, not being able to do anything about it. Although my Dad was her main caregiver, I tired to relieve him every evening for a few hours. The last few years she was no more than a vegetable and her passing was a blessing. She didn’t make it to 80.
Wishing you and Bill a wonderful Christmas and a healthy New Year.
It’s so sad that is life goes long as we get older, we lose those we love in very different ways. It’s heartbreaking and I feel for you, and for everyone who hast to go through this. It’s part of life this process of aging and losing pieces of ourselves in our lives. No matter how chipper we try to stay or how much praying we do it may be the hardest thing any of us faces. Thinking of you and feeling this past year has been one full of this kind of loss too.
So many of us have dear ones who are at some stage of this terrible disease.
It’s so hard to deal with and our hearts just ache for the person and the families and friends.
I am 81 and I am so grateful for these precious years of mobility and sanity.
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend’s cognitive decline. It seems that you–a “woman of a certain age”–are nevertheless NOT exhibiting any such symptoms. While I realize that while medical research is still seeking a cure for Alzheimer’s and other mental issues, I can only make uneducated, theoretical guesses as to their origins. I do sometimes speculate as to the effect of certain medication side-effects, American diet deficiencies, and lack of oxygen (possibly from a sedentary lifestyle) that potentially contribute to some of these conditions. I’m glad you are getting all of your steps in every day, staying active, and continuing to engage. We value you, Judy!
I just lost a longtime friend to that terrible disease. Fortunately, I was able to fly and see her just days before her death. When I walked in her room and smiled at her I know she didn’t know who I was, but when I spoke to her and called her, “sunshine” she smiled. It had been over a year since I saw her, but we spoke on the phone twice a week, as I drove home from rehearsals. It’s interesting to me that I know she knew who I was because of the topics we discussed and her concerns about my kids.
On my last visit, as I was sitting beside her bed while she rested, she opened her eyes and looked at me and said, “I’m so glad you came to see me”. I started crying because I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that, and I’ll forever be thankful for those few words. She knew who I was.
But when I thought about it later, it didn’t really matter if she knew who I was, because I knew who she was.
We went through all of this with Margaret’s Mom. Doesn’t get easier – just more and more difficult. A very tough place to be. Our sympathies are with you and your friend’s family!
Judy, you are so very special! We are so Blessed to have you share your life with us! My brother just passed away a few years ago from early onset Alzheimer’s, at 69 years Broke my heart, we were close, and we knew for 8 years before that he must be coming down with this dreaded disease.
Sending you warm wishes from Tucson! I live in Gig Harbor, but had to get some sunshine for the holidays. I also went to the UA and lived in Bisbee, and had a big family! I’m sorry about your friend. Keep up your steps and writing to stay physically and mentally strong. I love your books and posts. Happy Holidays
Alzheimers is such a terrible disease. It steals the person we love and leaves behind a shadow. My husband Hank has been suffering from it for the past 10 years. I still see him in the shadow but it’s harder everyday. I am his sole caregiver which is not easy because I am physically disabled. We try to be positive and take each day as it comes. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with this disease. May God’s love and grace reach out and hold you in his arms.
Oh, Judith, my heart aches for you! My grandpa’s sister also had Alzheimer’s but I was in my teens and too self absorbed to deal with it. When she looked at me and said “Do I know you?” It felt like a slap in the face and I really ‘got it’ then.
Now that I’m in my 70’s I’ve dealt with several friends who have moved into memory care facilities. Most of them exist in their little worlds and we just have to accept, not expect.
Best to you. I, too, live in dreary WA and while we know the beauty WILL come out, just like the mountains, sometimes it seems endless.
Jackie
Happy Anniversary
No, Judy, turning 80 is definitely not for the faint of heart! I will turn 80 next Fall and find these “golden years” quite challenging. For the last nine years of our marriage my husband suffered from dementia. It was a journey I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Across this country caregivers daily struggle with the heartbreak and exhaustion of caring for a loved one who slowly disappears before their eyes. Bizarre behavior becomes the norm and life as you once knew it disappears. It is a very rough road to travel and thousands of caregivers are traveling that road daily, day and night.
Sending you hugs and prayers for comfort!
Have a Blessed Christmas and New Year!
My wife had five brothers and a sister who had it. It is a difficult problem and it gets sad as they sink further in.
Appreciate all the comments.
So sad
My roommate in grad school was so brilliant. She changed my life. Now she is in the last stages of dementia. Her husband has a lot help but it is still difficult for him.
You always “hit the mark” with your weekly blogs. My husband has late stage dementia (vascular and frontotemporalobe) – dysphasia, aphasia, and macular degeneration to add an additional whammy to the situation. I took care of him myself for eight years and recently placed him in a memory care facility. I now believe what everyone kept telling me – eventually it would affect my own health. It did when I came down with early stage breast cancer. All is well with that now. But you said Cleb didn’t have a wife anymore – and that’s exactly what it’s like. I realized that I didn’t have a husband any more a few years ago. And when I go visit him now, I hang on to every shred of memory that seems to surface. Not for his sake – but for mine.
I’m sorry for the “loss” of your friend to that memory stealing disease. I’m a few years behind you, but know the what the aging process brings with it. Besides the personal health changes, the loss of friends is one of the most difficult. And that has both the physical loss and the mental one. One takes the person, the other their mind.
Thank you for sharing your story of your friend. No, getting old isn’t for weenies, is it. 🙁
My husband was diagnosed with Dementia eight years ago and I deal with him asking the same questions over and over until I finally tell him to stop or write the answer on a card and tell him to read it. I’m not young, almost 82 and have my own health issues; a cancer survivor, and dealing now with arthritis and osteoporosis and am getting PT. On the plus side, we still get around and take drives, (I’m the only driver), he is going to be 91 in a week, so he has had a good life and we have been married 54 years in November. I know so many friends going through what I am and some of much worse. As you say, I have lost the husband I married and it is very sad.
I know the feeling all too well,
I watched my wife Sally go from an educated smart woman to a child, and that’s about all I could do.
We were married in 1967 as soon as her school let out for summer break she retired from the same district as a counselor in 1998, she taught English and writing to high school kids.
Alzheimer’s stole her from me and I was left caring for some one who forgot who I was.
I wish I was a better writer so I could tell her story, because she had a wonderful story to tell.
Sally turned 80 on February 28th. 2023 and died in her sleep April 25, 2023 leaving me very much alone.
I understand where you are coming from. My best friend has Alzheimer’s and her husband has cancer. I will be seeing them soon to deliver a “cheer” basket.
You said “turning eighty isn’t for the faint of heart”. I’ll do that deed this coming summer. I tell folks that getting older isn’t for sissies.
And Dementia and Alzheimer’s is such a sad thing. We’ve been through it 3 times with family. It’s the disease that takes your loved one twice.
On a positive note, Merry Christmas and looking forward to a few more.
Today is my son’s 50th birthday. It’s a good day for going down memory lane and even remembering some of the lumps and bumps along the way. My daughter and son-in-law just arrived in Norway to spend Christmas with his widowed father who is feeling so lost without his wife who died two months before my husband, but her memory and strength had been consumed by Lewy-Body Dementia several months before. I miss my husband, but I am surrounded by good memories and even a rose has bloomed which he planted just for me. I will have lunch with my son tomorrow after he attends a funeral for a friend. Thank you for writing and continuing at 80.
Oh my! Many hugs and prayers for you and Cleb and family!
I have lived with this for 6.5 years. My husband was diagnosed at 63. At a recent Friends of the Library book sale he bought me a copy of Payment in Kind. He said “I know you like her books!” Even though I read it many years ago, I treasure this paperback for the love behind its purchase.
You’re right; being 80 isn’t for the faint of heart. I’m only 74, but already I get a faint tremor when people I meet on the street or in the grocery store greet me by name, and I have no idea of their names or where I (should) know them from.
My niece and her family are coming for Christmas, but she is doing all the driving and arranging, because her husband (49) has had to give up his license and his job due to suspected early onset dementia. They’ve been waiting for assessment for the better part of a year, but whatever the diagnosis, I don’t expect a rosy future for the family. I think a lot of praying will be in order–on my part, as well as theirs.
I’ve decided the aging process is about the opportunity to make many new friends, all with the first name of doctor.
I’m sorry that your friend has this horrible, life sucking disease. I think my Nana had it when it was still called dementia. She always recognized my father, but not my mother. She must have walked a million miles around the care facility, as she was always “out walking” in the secure garden, when we’d go to visit her. I think she thought I was my mother, and my daughter me, as a little girl, but who knows. I miss my Nana. ?
Losing a loved one to death hurts like hell but losing someone who is still breathing but not remembering anything has to be worse. I’m so sorry.
But happy anniversary tomorrow and enjoy that wonderful husband all the more.
My husband and my best friend still knows who I am, but he has NO memories of the 63 years we have been married!
Dementia is hard for the whole family, but I am content that he is mellow and seems happy and cared for. Thank goodness for family
My Mother had Alzheimers, barely recognized me and remembered none of her grandhildren, An awful time. I’m 92 now and apparently have avoided it. Bob Glass
This is off topic, but in 1985 I discovered Until Proven Guilty. That’s when I first fell in love with Beau. He’s always been about ten years younger than me. Having lived in the greater Seattle area all but six months of my life, I know exactly where he is, whether it is Bellingham or Belltown. We’ve eaten at some of the same restaurants, including the Dog House. A friend worked at the morgue and several friends in SPD. JP is my bud!
Today I am reading Den of Iniquity and am about 1/3 of the way through. Judy, this one is the best, in my opinion. THANK YOU for so many decades of pleasure you have given me. Enjoy a well-deserved holiday.
Sad to hear about your friend, JA. Unfortunately it reminds us all how quirky life can be. You have 4 years on me, but we both know that older age is not for the faint of heart. Here at our place, we’re thankful for days with no rude awakenings. <3
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!
All your blogs touch my heart. When I am faced with similar chats, I am so grateful that God has seen fit to keep my mind sharp. And I am so proud of you that you are keeping your wits about you so you can continue to pleasure the rest of us. I have read ’em all and I think they just get better! Keep healthy and pamper your self. It isn’t just that you deserve it, you need it. Really!!
Bette (XCVII old)
Happy holidays JA.
I know the feeling. Last month on I am looking at losing two of my beautiful children (now in their 60’s to 2nd rounds with cancer. My youngest daughter and my only son. In 1980 my son drove away to check on a college in AZ and on the way home was in a wreck – one of those “went to sleep” senseless wrecks. First they said he was probably dead, then probably won’t come out of coma and a couple of months later – WOKE up and commented “it’s snowing” in the middle of a family Sunday football watching game. So I’ve had him (and his family) for 44 more years? But it seems a bit much to lose two of my children and still be above the ground at 86.
I feel your pain. Most of us can relate at this time of our lives. On a lighter note. When I was 5 my mom said she was going to Miami. I asked if I could go to your Ami too.
Your blog touched me. Have a friend Ron from church dealing with memory issues. And it’s challenging for him and for his wife Jerri. A brief conversation with Jerri just wanted to tell her i genuinely love Ron and wanted her to know i’ll available to help.
Thank you for writing your blog. Best wishes.
You are not alone. Sending sunshine and a hug from Yuma, AZ.
In spite of the rain this morning, it is brightening up this afternoon so I wish your a very HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY today. I recently turned 83 and it’s not so bad if one keeps moving.
Saying pray for you, Bill, your friend, and all of your families.
Sending you a hug from the frigid state of New Hampshire.
Best wishes to you and yours for a Merry christmas and all the best to you and yours for 2025.
I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is to see someone you care for slip away like that. Wishing you and your family a peaceful Christmas filled with love and happy times and a happy and healthy New Year.
Very good story and so sad.
? Heartbreaking ?
Judy, I am truly sorry for all who have written to you about the loss of a spouse/family member/friend or loved one to memory loss. The one thing that no one has mentioned is the way it changes them mentally as well as physically. Maybe that is not the best way to describe it. Let me tell you what I went through with my mon. She developed a problem that was later diagnosed as dementia, but she was “mean as a snake”. I cannot explain it any other way. Nothing you did for her was right, you never said anything in the correct way, etc. The worst for me was the physical abuse. She was at times a strong as a boxer was for a fight. My Dad took a great deal of physical and mental abuse from her before I could get away from work and go back to New York to help him. I was in Alabama at the time. There was only one way, that I found out about, to put someone like her in a home where she would receive the care she deserved, and that was to go to the hospital ER to admit her to the hospital first and then to the home. Since I was from Alabama, I retained an attorney to be sure that everything was done legally and for her to receive the very best care.
Regardless of what anyone tells you, dealing with a problem like this is very, very difficult. I stayed with my good friend and her husband until I could get all the details in order and then moved back to my home to be with Dad. Just before I arrived at the house, Dad took a butcher knife from Mom before she was able to put it in his back. We were very glad to still be alive and back together. The story of why we were going to the hospital was to have my blood pressure checked since it had been high. They checked it and it was HIGH but not critical. Once the nurse(s) and doctor started to check Mom, she hit the roof. She physically hit me in a blindsided attack. It is amazing how strong a small person can be with that physical problem. I fought her off until the hospital staff could contain her. .
Mom and Dad died 2 weeks and 2 hours apart in January 1995.
I am sorry this is so very long but if I had my choice I would prefer that they might know me but would wish they were just peaceful and passed quickly. This story was from the Fall of 1989 to January 25, 1995. I pray and just close my eyes that is the end of my life. Thank you all for listening to my story. I truly hope it helps someone.