Summer Solstice

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Yesterday, June 21st, was the 31st anniversary of the day Bill and I met. We both attended a weekend Widowed Retreat at a camp on the Hood Canal. In the course of a grief workshop, we discovered that our first spouses had died on the same day of the year, two years apart. They both died a few minutes before midnight on New Year’s Eve.

I had been invited to come and do a poetry reading of After the Fire, a book that tells the story of the eighteen years I spent with a man who died of chronic alcoholism at age 42. I went to the retreat feeling very nervous. Since I had divorced my husband prior to his death, I felt as though I hadn’t quite had my ticket punched.  Having that divorce decree meant I was no longer married to my husband when he died, but it didn’t mean I no longer cared. Still, when he passed away, I remember one of the guys at work saying to me, “What are you so upset about?  You divorced him, didn’t you?”

In other words, when I arrived at the campground I was conflicted, to say the least. However, the hostess who greeted me at the door welcomed me by saying, “If you need to grieve, this is the place to do it,” and I decided to heed her advice.

That evening, rather than going outside to do the after-dinner egg race, I went to a grief workshop. There were thirty-five or so people seated in a circle in a large room. For starters we were to say our name, our spouse’s name, what they died of and when they died. Because I was nervous, I sat next to the facilitator. As a consequence, I was the one who spoke first. “My name is Judy, and my husband’s name was Jerry. He died of chronic alcoholism on New Year’s Eve, 1982/83″. A third of the way around the room was a guy who said, “My name is Bill, and my wife’s name was Lynn. She died of breast cancer on New Year’s Eve, 1984/85.” I noted that we both had that date in common, and when it came time for sharing I looked forward to hearing what Bill had to say which turned out to be … nothing. He said NOT ONE WORD!

When the workshop was over and we repaired to the patio for a bonfire and s’mores, I went looking for him with a chip on my shoulder and blood in my eye. After all, I had talked about real stuff in the workshop, and he hadn’t. When I spotted him out by the fire, I strode up to him and said, in a very truculent fashion, “So what are you, the strong silent type?” I thought I was being insulting. He thought I was giving him a compliment. He knew he was the silent type, but he wasn’t so sure about the strong part. “No,” he replied, “it still hurts too much to talk about it.”

Within five minutes, I was literally crying on his shoulder, sobbing away like a ninny while he stood with one arm wrapped around my waist while wondering what he should do with the other arm. I remember thinking to myself, “This is so stupid, but it feels so good.”

And that was the start of something grand! The following weekend was the pub party for my first book, Until Proven Guilty. Bill came to the event and had to talk his way inside because my daughter, who was running the registration table, didn’t see his name on the official guest list. He came early and stayed late. At the end of the evening, when he asked if he could see me again, I said sure, in a month—because I had a month’s worth of previously scheduled events on the calendar, including my first ever drive-yourself book tour. He thought I was giving him the brush off, but it was the absolute truth.

When I came back, I called him. Our first official date at the end of July was for the monthly meeting of his widowed support group. For the next while we spent a lot of time talking and crying and comparing notes. Although having a spouse die of cancer or alcoholism seem like very different situations, they are both long-term chronic health issues in which one crisis follows another, and each new crisis is followed by a new normal that’s worse than the one before. Bill and I had both seen our hopes and dreams shattered, so we had a lot to talk about in that regard. By Labor Day we were holding hands.

I could see that Bill was definitely marriage material, but I told him that since I’d tried married life once and wasn’t very good at it, I wasn’t the marrying kind. In mid-September, however, when he was invited to a job interview in northern California, I was devastated—a reaction which seemed at odds with my “not-the-marrying-kind” position. And when he saw my reaction, he didn’t go for the interview, either.

By mid-September we were laughing more than talking or crying. By mid-October we were engaged, and we got married on the 21st of December—a six month courtship from beginning to end. Our position was that having loved and lost once, we didn’t want to waste a minute. We’ve had more time together than either of us ever anticipated, and I’m still glad we didn’t get engaged and married in slow-mo.  It was the right thing to do, and we both knew it.

So last night we went out to dinner just the two of us. This weekend we’ll travel to Moses Lake where our eldest granddaughter is getting married. My fondest wish for Lauren and Marcus is that the next thirty-one years are as good to them as the past thirty-one have been to Bill and me.

It doesn’t get any better than that.

20 thoughts on “Summer Solstice”

  1. What a beautiful story Thanks for sharing with us. Wishing yo many more years of happiness.

  2. I am so grateful for your blog. Yes, I said GRATEFUL. You touch my heart so many times in just the right places. You are one of the reasons I’m using my Fitbit, exercising, and eating my way to good health. It’s helping me to find a purpose again after 10 years of retirement. I’m now a coach in training for a program called LTL. This program is about the whole package. Living a new lifestyle. A healthy lifestyle. Not in retiring from life. From participating in an active one. Like yours ??
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have helped to put an even bigger smile on my face.

  3. I am so grateful for your blog. Yes, I said GRATEFUL. You touch my heart so many times in just the right places. You are one of the reasons I’m using my Fitbit, exercising, and eating my way to good health. It’s helping me to find a purpose again after 10 years of retirement. I’m now a coach in training for a program called LTL. This program is about the whole package. Living a new lifestyle. A healthy lifestyle. Not in retiring from life. From participating in an active one. Like yours ??
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have helped to put an even bigger smile on my face.

  5. What a beautiful story. My Ken and I met the night before he went to basic training. We ran into each other at an office party 6 mos. Later. ( we both worked at the phone company.) We were engaged in 6 days. Now looking back it was laughter that got us thru 46 years so far. Our years together were good and bad. I think our sense of humor has gotten us thru a lot but a basic Love was always there .
    I am so glad you found you soul mate after the hardship of your first marrage.
    That saying ” what does’not kill you makes you stronger” has some truth.
    Enjoy your summer, keep walking and push those wonderful stories into publications. .. Jan

  6. Congratulations! I always appreciate how you appreciate Bill. If more spouses liked and appreciated each other the world would be a much better place. Enjoy the wedding and family time!

  8. Thanks for sharing the rest of your story, Judy. I knew part of it so it was nice to know the missing pieces. My husband and I will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary on July 19 this year. We were both married to others and divorced, but we had also been high school sweethearts. He was a year ahead of me, and we got married on the day of his 30th high school reunion banquet and dance. It’s sometimes easier not to try again, but in my case, and I can tell in yours too, the rewards are so great it’s worth whatever it takes to love again.

    • Thank-you for your comment. It gives me hope! May God continue to bless you both & marriage!???

  9. What a lovely story. My husband said he was never getting married again and we’ve been married 7 years next month. 🙂 We got engaged fairly quickly but had a lengthy engagement, but we had that same feeling of “why wait at our age?” Thanks for sharing your story.

  10. Love reading how you and Bill met! Previous to our meeting my husband had been married and divorced twice, so he felt he wasn’t good at marriage. I was a long time single – not the marrying kind! We dated for 5 years before we took the leap. We’ve been married for 21 happy years!

  13. Ms. Jance, Judy if I may? (We met at your Nashville, TN. (on 4/25/2016) talk & signing of “Clawback”) Thank-you for this writing about you & Bill. You two are so sweet! As a fairly new divorced 54 yr. old woman(8/14/2014), it gives me hope that possibly God may put a true man in my life to share the rest of my time here on earth, together! I am reading your book of poems, that I purchased that night & you graciously signed, and am moved by them. Have you ever considered writing an
    autobiography? I would buy it in a heartbeat & know others would too! You have been through so much that sharing it all, it could help other women!! Thank- you for your honesty, sharing parts of your life with us, & for Bill. May God continue to bless your writing of Bo, Joanna, Ali, & the Walkers!
    Joy & Blessings,
    Debra Cole

  14. I loved your story. I have been divorced for many years and haven’t really been looking for a second husband. You two were so lucky to meet and have so many years together. I love the story about losing weight and getting in better shape. Keep it up.

  15. I always love reading about the many ups and downs in your life and your appreciation for the ‘ups’ always shines through in your beautiful heartfelt words. When I first found your blog I enjoyed many hours of reading those saved in your Archives.
    My husband and I are also second-time arounders, with a wonderful blended family we have enjoyed during our 24 years of marriage.
    I am so grateful to you for sharing your life and your writing talent, giving me many hours of pleasant reading. I hope you have many more books in your future, but shorter and easier book tours! Now that Bill is accompanying you again, perhaps they will be more enjoyable.

  16. A perfect wonderful love story. A perfect summer read all in one blog. Thank you. Best wishes for another wonderful 31 years.

  17. I also am glad that you didn’t waste a minute living your lives together. Thank you for sharing the beginning of your relationship.

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